Recipe for the GRE (for Tori)

My friend Tori wants to extract my GRE tricks from my brain before I move away to North Carolina. So here it is, my Recipe for the GRE.

The first trick to scoring high is to have basic, solid vocabulary and math skills. I feel gross reporting my standardized test scores from high school, so I won't. Suffice it to say, I did quite well on the SAT, without any particular effort. So I had a good base to work from as I studied intensely for the GRE.

I had at least three huge advantages growing up that prepared me for taking soul-sucking tests. The first is that I read a great deal as a child. I was extremely shy and had very few friends before sixth grade. I occupied most of my free time - other than the hours spent in my backyard dog poop factory - reading. I absorbed a lot of vocabulary this way.

I also had the privilege of parents with excellent vocabularies. Here's a true story: every spring, birds made nests in attic of my family's house in Boston. I could hear the baby birds peeping, sometimes quite loudly, in the mornings from my bedroom. On the day that I took the SAT, my mother remarked, "The baby birds are vociferous today!" I asked her the meaning of the word. It was my lucky day: "vociferous" appeared in one of the questions on the test a few hours later!

Oh, yes, did I mention that my father is a mathematician? Compared to him, I have never felt that my math skills were anything special. It was an extraordinary asset, though, to be able to sit down countless times with "Dr. Math" for personalized, one-on-one tutoring.

I mention this background information not to discourage others about their chances of scoring well on the GRE, but to point out that my road has been remarkably smooth. I can't claim honestly that I scored high simply because of my own sweat or innate intelligence. I had quite a bit of help and privilege along the way.

Now, the Peachums Recipe for the GRE.

1. Start with a sudden, massive feeling of panic three weeks before the test (or, if you're more sensible, start studying earlier).

2. Add one GRE prep book published by The Princeton Review. This book is enormously helpful because it contains a list of the most common words that appear on the GRE. It also has a decent math prep section and useful information about the essay portions of the test.

3. Each night, read through the vocabulary lists. Obsessively write down the definition of every word you do not already know.

4. Review math, taking it a manageable chunk at a time. There is no upper-level math on the test, only arithmetic, algebra and geometry, plus weirdo chart-reading questions.* Going over it is critical, because if you're like me, you haven't really grappled with this kind of math in 10 years.

5. Stir in massive cramming. I carried my vocabulary words with me wherever I went, studying them in the backseat of the carpool, during my lunch break and in the evenings. Where appropriate, I used amusing, vaguely scandalous memory tricks to remember definitions. For instance, I associated the word "nugatory," which means trifling or worthless, with the sentence, "A NUDE has a NUGATORY amount of clothes on." The moral of the story: if you can connect the words with butts or sex (or buttsex, if that suits you), you will find them much easier and more fun to remember.

6. Add another cheap vocabulary trick. I engaged in a practice of my own invention that I call the Vocabulary March. This consists of stiffly walking around the house in the most ridiculous fashion possible, muttering words and their definitions in rhythm with marching. This trick almost drove Max to throw me out of the house, BUT GUESS WHO GOT A PERFECT SCORE ON THE VOCAB SECTION AND IS NOW AND FOREVERMORE COMPLETELY VINDICATED?!

7. For the math portions, I didn't do anything special. I took a lot of practice quizzes in the Princeton Review book and at www.number2.com. I can only equivocally recommend number2.com because I did terribly on the site's math quizzes, and just fine on the real test.

8. About two weeks before the real test, I started taking full-lenth timed practice tests. This is important because you need to have the stamina to maintain concentration for several hours. Practice helps.

9. Practice with the computer-based tests that you can download for free from the Educational Testing Service. The real test is on a computer, so taking the practice ones will help you figure out your strategy. Unlike paper-based tests, you can't skip around on the questions. The questions appear on the screen one at a time, and once you've answered, you can't take it back. Even scarier, the computer alters the test based on the answers you've gotten correct. Basically, if you get a bunch wrong in the beginning, the computer starts feeding you easier questions that aren't worth as many points. Thus it is critical to get the first few answers correct, which probably means you'll want to allot more time for them.

10. For the essay section, I didn't prepare much because I felt this area would be my strong suit. I did make sure that I could write an essay that I felt good about in the time available.

11. The night before the test: have a sleepless night. Feel nauseous and overwhelmed by your utter doom. Don't forget that this test determines YOUR WHOLE LIFE. Panic repeatedly.

12. Walk into the testing room high on adrenaline. Feel oppressed by the rules of the Educational Testing Service, for example, that you are videotaped the entire time and that you are not allowed to bring your own pencil. Take the test. Wait for two seconds at the end as the computer processes your score. Nearly pass out from shock when you learn you've done well.

THE END

*The makers of the GRE are introducing a new version this fall, so check on what you will need to know.